Pete's Revenge
by Molly4
Summary: Pete gets revenge. Warning: Slashy, but not a serious attempt at it. This is a parody fic and is the result of being on the GAYLE awards web site too long. Please don't flame, or take this seriously.
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimers: Don't own them. The song "I Know What Boys Like" belongs to Pure Sugar.  
  
A/N: Another stupid OOC story, though not extremely stupid because Pete finally gets something cool to do! This is just something to make people laugh. R&R please! :) Be warned there's some slashy elements to it. Please nobody take offense to this, I'm not trying to make fun of homosexuals at all.   
  
Pete's Revenge  
By: Molly  
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Chapter 1: Victim #1: Clark Kent  
  
(Pete sits in a leather chair in what looks like a fancy library. He smiles wickedly.)  
  
Pete: Hello, my name is Peter Melville Ross, but I bet you didn't know that did you?! And do you know why? Because I get no lines! None! (He sighs. Licks his lips.) But I'm not bitter. Really. Because I have this. My revenge. I know things about the people in Smallville that would make you pee your pants. Awful things.   
  
(Pete looks at the camera with an evil gleam in his eye.)  
  
Pete: This tape will reveal all their dirty little secrets. The people I'm torturing are Clark Kent, Lex Luthor, Chloe Sullivan, Lana Lang, Whitney Fordman, and Various Freaks of Da' Week. Some may ask why the elder Kents are excluded. Well for one, you've got Bo Duke, and no man shall ever mess with someone as sacred as a Duke. And Martha is the woman that Bo Duke chose to spend his life with, therefore she is off-limits too, though I do know a thing or two about her past life as a......oops, that cannot be revealed.  
  
Pete: Now for my first victim, Clark Kent. Clarkbar used to be my best friend. Then he ditched me for Lex Luthor. Now I'm just the token black guy, there to say a few funny things, and then go chasing after some girl who I could never date cuz I'm so darn short!  
  
(Pete's mom can be heard in the background)  
  
Pete's Mom: You'll grow honey, you'll grow. And any girl would be lucky to have such a cutie like you.  
  
Pete: Thanks Mom, but can ya go away, I'm tryin to make a movie here and you're embarrassing me.  
  
Pete's Mom: Sorry! Oh, did you take your medicine today that helps you go poopy?   
  
Pete: (blushes) YES!  
  
Pete's Mom: Ok, then. Good bye!  
  
Pete: (turns back to the camera) That's just my mom. She's very um, senile. Now, uh, back to Clark. I have footage, actual footage, not doctored in any way, shape, or form, of Clarkbar doing some very....unmanly things. Now you may think that Clark would be a manly man. His father is Bo Duke, he wears a lot of flannel, and he likes kittens. Um, wait, scratch that last part. But anyway, here's clip number one of Clark having fun with my older sister's closet. You've been warned.  
  
CUT TO: Clip  
  
(We can see Clark dancing around a very pink room. He has on a tiny belly shirt that says "Boy Watcher," on it and has sequined lips all over it. You can also see that a certain part of that shirt has been, um, stuffed. He's also wearing tight leather pants, ruby red lipstick, and black high heels. He's holding a "Tell Your Boyfriend I'll See Him Later" shirt up to his stomach while he sings and shakes his booty.)  
  
Clark: (singing) I know what boys like.....I know what Lex wants. I see him looking. I'll make Lex want me. I like to tease him. (Clark kisses the mirror.) Boys want to touch me, I'll only let Lex. I know what boys like....I know what Lex wants. I know what boys like....boys like....boys like me. (breaks off and starts humming)  
  
Clark: You look FABulous! All the boys will be just flocking over you, oh, you'll make Lex so jealous. Then he'll come after you. (starts to do a runway walk) Now turn to me....pout...oh, Clark you're gorgeous. Absolutely stunning. Now smile. Make love to the camera.....  
  
  
CUT TO: Pete  
  
Pete: Shocking, isn't it? There's more you don't know about Clark Kent......  
  
CUT TO: Clark's room. Night.   
  
(Clark lies awake in bed, looking at his ceiling.)  
  
  
Clark: Are you there God? It's me, Clark. I know I ask for a lot God, but I really want Lex to notice me, and like me. Not like me, but like like me. Boys are so frustrating sometimes. He acts like he likes me sometimes and then sometimes he acts like I never exist. Please help me out God. And while you're at it, could you make my chest bigger?  
  
  
CUT TO: Pete  
  
Pete: Okay, so that's the extreme stuff. Now there's some stuff that's a little lighter, not as disturbing. Though I do have a lot of disturbing stories to tell. It is a little creepy when Clark suggests we hit the showers....even when we don't have gym class and we were just sitting there at the Talon......ah, never mind.  
  
  
CUT TO: Clark in the shower.   
  
(Relax ladies, it's only his silhouette from outside the shower. We can hear Clark singing waaaaaay off-key)  
  
Clark: It's a raining men, Hallelujah! It's raining men.  
  
CUT TO: Outside the door  
  
  
Martha: Relax, Jonathan. It's just a phase. All kids go through it......some worse than others.  
  
Jonathan: I'm just a good ol' boy.  
  
CUT TO: Pete  
  
Pete: Okay, so maybe Jonathan didn't really say that. We had it dubbed like that cuz we all just loved DOH right? Right? Yeah, I thought so.  
  
Pete: (continued) See this is my problem with Clark. I'm cool with the fact that he's in love with a guy...even if it's Lex Luthor. But I've been his best friend since the first grade. I didn't laugh at him when his pants fell down in the eight grade and he was wearing underpants with little rocket ships on them. Or when he ripped one this year right in the middle of the test when everything was silent. Or when Whitney pushed him out of the locker room after gym class butt naked and doing the Macarena, and Lana Lang witnessed the entire thing. I was supportive. I was there for him, even though I almost wet myself trying to hold in my laughter.   
  
Pete: (cont) See a true friend would stick by your side, even when new friends came along. A real friend wouldn't ditch you to go to a Char concert with Lex Luthor. A true friend was me, who kept all his deepest, darkest secrets, well, until now. Now's my revenge, pure and simple. I have the power now Kent! I'm the one with footage of you French kissing a Lex blow up doll. Huh? Who's the man now, Kent?  
  
Pete: That's all I have on Clark really. And perhaps I've already said enough on him. Now, before I go, one last tidbit: he picks his nose. There I said it. Join me next time as I get revenge on.......Lex Luthor.  
  
TBC 


	2. Lex Luthor

Hey everybody! Your feedback motivated me so much that I've got the second chapter right here! Thanks everyone! This is Pete's revenge on Lex Luthor. Be warned there will be some Clex scenes coming up.   
  
Disclaimers: Don't own them.  
  
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Chapter 2: Lex Luthor  
  
CUT TO: Pete  
  
Pete: On the outside Lex Luthor may appear to be the epitome of suave. He wears a lot of leather, he's got a new car every week which he drives like it's the General Lee, and he talks like an evil genius, but that's all fake. And I can prove it. (wicked grin)  
  
CUT TO: Luthor mansion, day.  
  
  
(Lex is doing aerobics in front of the TV. Richard Simmons is on, oh joy! Lex is wearing a pink leotard, white tights and a headband that says 'Princess' on it. He dabs his face with a white towel.)  
  
Richard Simmons: C'mon ladies....let's work it....and one.....and two....  
  
Lex: (smacks his butt, disgusted.) Damn. Look at you, you flabby tushie! You had to eat dessert last night didn't you. You'll never be good enough for Clark. (Starts spanking himself) Never! Ever! Wait a minute....this feels kinda good. (he starts to mumble)  
  
Lex: Oh, Clark! You're so naughty....Mmmmmmmmm......  
  
  
CUT TO: Pete  
  
Pete: Do you need to see anymore? I hope not because it gets pretty disturbing after awhile. I'm not done with this though. Lex should get it the most for stealing Clarkbar away from me. Lex is in Smallville for a few months and then suddenly Clark starts calling him his best friend. And what am I, chopped liver?! Therefore, these next few clips will be revenge on both Clark and Lex. (sneers.) Just roll the freakin' tape.  
  
  
CUT TO: The Talon  
  
(Clark is sitting at a table with a cappuccino in his hand. Lex enters and Clark's gaydar just hit pay dirt. Clark suddenly dunks his face in the mug, getting whipped cream all over him. Lex comes and sits down across from him.)  
  
Lex: You've got a little whipped cream there, Clark.  
  
Clark: (leans over the table and bats his eyelashes.) Really? (giggles) Clumsy me.  
  
Lex: May I?  
  
Clark: Be my guest.  
  
(Lex pulls a strawberry out of his jacket pocket that he keeps in there for emergencies like this. He takes some of the whipped cream off with it and sticks it in Clark's mouth. Clark sucks on it a long time before taking a long bite, moaning gratefully. Lex pulls it out and bites it to the end.)  
  
Clark: Is it all gone?  
  
Lex: Not quite. (swipes some off with his finger. Puts it in Clark's mouth. Clark purrs and the finger remains in there for about five minutes. Lex pulls his finger out and sucks on it.)  
  
Clark: How does it taste?  
  
Lex: Mmmmmmm..... minty.  
  
(Shot of under the table where Lex's shoe is going up Clark's pant leg. Clark looks like he's on the verge of hysteria.)  
  
Clark: (stops) Damn. My zipper just popped.  
  
  
CUT TO: Pete  
  
Now strawberries and whipped cream is on the list of things I can never eat thanks to those two. Also on that list are bananas, grapefruit, hotdogs, and chocolate covered raisins. And, I can never ever drink bottled water after watching Lex drink out of one of those blue bottles and then start screaming Clark's name. (shudders)  
  
Pete: (cont) This next clip was shot on location at a small kareokee bar in Metropolis.)  
  
CUT TO: Bar  
  
(Lex is onstage with a mic in his hand. He is wearing glittery eye make-up, heart shaped pink sunglasses, a pink feather boa, a tight red muscle shirt and tight crocodile skin pants.)  
  
Lex: This next tune goes out to my special fella in the audience.....Clark baby, this is for you. (deep breath.) Starts to sing) I've got sunshine....on a cloudy day...when it's cold outside.....I've got the month of May....I guess you'd say..what can make me feel this way...My girl.....My girl.......  
  
  
(He's interrupted by Clark's Wonderbra and house key being flung onto the stage. The author giggles, imagining Lex on the stage because he might sorta look like Moby.)  
  
Lex: Forget this! (jumps off stage and grabs Clark's hand) Let's blow this joint sugar plum.  
  
Clark: Right behind you, Sexy Lexie!  
  
CUT TO: Pete  
  
Pete: I'm still a little confused about that one. (shakes his head.) Anyway, more mortifying clips.  
  
  
CUT TO: Park  
  
( Lex and Clark are sitting on a blanket. Lex is braiding Clark's hair)  
  
Clark: You know, Lana invited me to go to Maine with her over vacation. (sighs) I'm kinda scared.  
  
Lex: (trying not to sound jealous) Scared? Why?  
  
Clark: Duh. I've never kissed a girl.   
  
Lex: Haven't you ever practiced with Pete or somebody.  
  
CUT TO: Pete  
  
Pete: Hell no!  
  
CUT TO: Park  
  
Clark: Of course not. Eww.   
  
Lex: There's nothing gross about it. You have to learn somehow. Turn to me. (Clark turns) Now close your eyes and wet your lips.  
  
Clark: Are you for real.  
  
Lex: Sure, why not? (kisses him briefly on the mouth)  
  
Clark: (looks excited and happy. His plan is working!) That was pretty nice....  
  
Lex: Okay, let's try it again, only this time with the tongue.  
  
Clark: Be still my heart!  
  
(Their lips meet. They start to french kiss. After a few minutes, they pull away)  
  
Lex: How was it?  
  
Clark: Everything I've ever dreamed of. (goofy eyes, like when he saw Lana in "X-Ray.")  
  
CUT TO: Pete  
  
Pete: Don't get me started on that one. That is not how boys learn to kiss! We learn from kissing posters you idiots!! Yikes....  
  
CUT TO: Kent barn  
  
(Jonathan grunts as he heaves a bale of hay onto a high stack of more hay. Lex enters, singing softly.)  
  
Lex: My body's too bootylicous for ya babe. I don't think you're ready for this jelly...(stops suddenly. Smiles) Hello, gorgeous...I mean Mr. Kent.  
  
Jonathan: (turns around) Clark isn't home, Lex.  
  
Lex: Well, okay. I guess I'll just come back later or something. Um, you dropped a screwdriver there. And now I've got all these ideas in my head.  
  
(Jonathan bends down, and Lex enjoys the view)  
  
Lex: What I wouldn't give for a roll in the hay with you, farm boy.  
  
Jonathan: Huh?  
  
Lex: Um......nothing. (smacks Jonathan's butt and runs away.)  
  
(Jonathan yelps and looks infuriated. He opens his mouth and starts singing the DoH theme. More dubbing. He's really yelling a string of obscenities.)  
  
CUT TO: Pete  
  
Pete: You never, ever, mess with Bo Duke and get away with it. I don't care who you are! But it gets even worse.  
  
CUT TO: Fortress of Solitude  
  
(Lex is looking through Clark's telescope. Clark enters, shirtless and sweaty. He stops, sees Lex, checks him out, and then smoothes his hair.)  
  
Clark: Hey...Lex....I wasn't expecting you.  
  
(Lex doesn't take his eyes away from the telescope.)  
  
Lex: You know if you angle this thing right you can watch your dad changing. (Whistles)  
  
(Now Clark's angry. Frantically he takes off his jeans.)  
  
Clark: Gee, if I knew you were coming I might've put on some pants.  
  
(Lex's eyes widen. He turns around and sees Clark standing there in only boxers. He dives and tackles him)  
  
Clark: You like me, you really like me!  
  
CUT TO: Pete  
  
Frightening, isn't it. You know Lionel Luthor is evil too. He took my family's business away. And gosh darnit I was looking forward to being the Creamed Corn King of Kansas. (plops on a Burger King crown and pouts) This is as close as I'll ever get. (suddenly grins) On the other hand, I feel like Bernie Mac right now. (clears his throat.)  
  
Pete: (Cont) Listen America, have you ever seen a thing like that? Lionel Luthor goes and steals jobs from the black folk. Just watch this. Just look at it. You'll see how screwed up he really is!  
  
  
CUT TO: Luthor mansion.  
  
(Lionel and Lex are sitting on the floor, each holding a Barbie in one hand, Lex has Police Woman Barbie and Lionel has Warden Ken. Lionel has a Hawaiian flower tucked behind his ear and is wearing an off the shoulder white number.)  
  
Lex: (moving his Barbie around) Frisk me baby! You know you want to!  
  
Lionel: Just let me get my handcuffs baby! (stops) You know I just noticed how blue your eyes are, Barbie dearest.  
  
Lex: (in a low whispery Barbie voice) I've known for years.  
  
Lionel: (in lower, more whispery, attempted sexy voice) I'm not wearing any suspenders.  
  
Lex: Oh, Ken. You don't know what that does to me.  
  
Lionel: Let's find out. (Makes Ken hold up a small plastic key ring.) The keys to Cell Block C.  
  
Lex: Let's go! You can be the naughty convict and I can be your conjugal visit.   
  
Lionel: Hold on a second Barbie. I just want to comb my hair with this neato pink brush!  
  
Lex: Oh, oh, lemme use it too. Pretty please, Daddy? (bats his eyelashes) I love you, Daddy.  
  
Lionel: Okay, sure son. I just love these father son moments. (puts a hula dress on Ken) Wowee! This is FUNtabulous!  
  
CUT TO: Pete  
  
Pete: That goes out to you Lionel Luthor, magnificent bastard that you are.  
  
Pete: (cont) We won't go any further. I'm feeling a little sick to my stomach about now. I better wrap this segment up before I toss my tacos all over this camera. (smirks) Lex couldn't be more obvious about his feelings for Clark. It's sickening the way he drools over him. But that's not such a big deal. My main problem with Lex is that he doesn't even care that he stole my best friend away. He doesn't notice how much I hate him either. He's too busy playing with Clark's telescope. So this seemed like the only way to pay him back. I was going to play the footage of him sobbing like a baby on Oprah about how bad he felt when he was fat, but I need a break right now.  
  
Pete: Stay tuned children, because my next victim is Torch reporter, Chloe Sullivan.......  
  
  
  
TBC 


End file.
